I knew this day would come.
And it did, just like I thought.
Yet I’m not at all where I thought I would be when I turned 40. Nor am I the person I thought I would be. Actually, I’m completely different and in a completely different place. There’s nothing like turning 40 while your life is upside down to cause you to take a moment
or two or ten to reflect on your past, what you’re proud of, and sadly, also what you’re not proud of. This is where I was the weeks before my birthday. I’m glad I did this. Although some memories from my past were painful, excruciating even, it allowed me to see the work the Lord has done in me.
And is doing.
He is not finished with me yet.
As I held my two youngest babies on my birthday my mind took me back to a place of pain.
The days of my infertility.
I have birthed 8 healthy, live babies, 7 of which are mine and my husbands. I have also struggled with infertility. For 7 years straight I either couldn’t get pregnant or my babies died.
I referred to my uterus as a “uterine graveyard, the place where babies went to die.”
And yet now, here I sit, raising and loving 7 children every day. I couldn’t help but get emotional as I struggled to hold my Irish Twins. My hands were full but my soul was at peace. I prayed and the Lord heard me. He made me, the barren woman, keeper of the home and happy mother to babies.
I am rendered speechless.
Just look at that happy face….
*I apologize for the blurry pictures today. They’re from my I-phone and the lighting isn’t always the best*
My life is hard right now but…
I am blessed.
And I have been for the past 40 years even when my human eyes couldn’t see it.
My God never left me.
This is something I believe that we all need to remember. We are never alone. Even in the darkest of time there is Light. All we have to do is want it and It will come. There’s a familiar poem called “footprints in the sand,” where this man asks Jesus where He was when this man was suffering and needed Him. The man points out that there is only one set of footprints in the sand. This is when Jesus looks at him lovingly and tells him that those were the times when Jesus was carrying him.
Now that’s powerful.
I can’t help but wonder when it comes to me and my personal journey, whether my Lord was carrying me while I was kicking and screaming. Even now during this difficult time, am I letting Him carry me? I haven’t always wanted to go through certain things He has deemed beneficial for my soul. I can say though with absolute certainty that I have made it through them and each time I have come out more in love with my Creator than before.
Each time I have fallen more and more in love with my Savior.
Have you read my book “Forsaken?” If you haven’t, it’s the second in my series and this is one of the things the main character deals with. Her life turns upside down and in her limited vision she thinks God has abandoned her. In the end, she (like me) comes to see very clearly, that she was indeed wrong. God never forsakes His children.
This is a lesson I’ve learned.
My God has loved me since before I was born.
And He loved me so much that when I asked He taught me what sin was and how damaging it was to my soul.
He loved me enough to call me out.
And when my eyes were opened to how wrong I had been about so many things. When I became painfully aware that I wasn’t acting as the child of God I was, something inside of my spirit broke and I cried deeply, with endless tears. My spirit ached for His forgiveness and so I asked for it.
And He forgave me.
And He told me to sin no more.
Not only did He forgive me but He also gently reminded me of how much He loved me.
So very much…
I can’t even type this without crying. I am so so grateful.
He took all my sins on Him so that when God looked at me from then on He wouldn’t see my sins anymore. Instead, He would see Jesus and His sacrifice on my behalf.
There are no words.
So as I reflect back on the last 40 years of my life, there are so many things I could think on but when I really think about it, there is only one thing that matters. Only one thing worth focusing on.
And that is Jesus.
May my next 40 years make Him proud. And when my time comes to meet the true love of my life, may He look at me lovingly and say,
“Job well done. I am proud of you.”
Till next time…