Wow, it has been so long since my last Blog post!
After sweet Kaden was born my body made it very clear that the stresses of the last year had taken their toll on me. My body was weak and my mind was filled with so much to process. So many things I didn’t even want to think about. Our move across the country wasn’t at all what we expected. It was filled with moments of fear, hell, healing and some joy sprinkled in. Not at all what we were hoping.
And yet so much more.
So much more.
Finally landing here in Tennessee was amazing at times and at others really hard. When the budget for the job that my husband had been offered was defunded it was a huge blow that we didn’t share with many people. Instead, we did what we needed to do. We held on to each other and prayed, trusting in God. As always, God did come through right before our money ran out. Literally. right. before.
My silence on my webpage eventually transferred to Facebook and Instagram for awhile. After walking through my past because of Carol Tuttle’s “Dressing Your Truth,” and our time in Texas and Louisiana, I had come to realize that I had a lot from my past I needed to deal with. I had questions about my future and what God wanted me to to with it. Did I have a future selling Plexus? In all honesty, I had was pretty burnt out from trying so hard to help the countless sweet people contacting me for help because of my videos. I just couldn’t do it all on my own anymore. And I wasn’t even at a place where I could work my own business. So many questions. Even spiritual ones.
I needed time.
So I rested and focused on my family while I prayed and waited on God to talk to me which seemed to never happen.
That’s one of my favorite words. And yet that one word can cut like a knife, tearing into the depths of your soul.
God was super quiet and it was driving me crazy. My daughter told me that she thinks God was purposely quiet to force me to rest. I’d assume she was right. I knew I needed rest. I knew I needed something. For me to do what I felt called to do (to help others) I had to first help myself and there was something I needed to do first.
1. Face my past
So much loss and so much pain. Even anger I had tried to ignore. I prayed hard and asked God to expose anything I needed to deal with. He did. And He had used our trip to Louisiana and Texas to start the ball rolling.
(You can watch our Vlog “Faith Home & Life” on YouTube documenting the trip. Link on the homepage)
Something excruciating happened to me. Pain from all of the trauma of my past began flooding back. Not one memory at a time but tons. Horrible memories. Ones I wished I would have never remembered. Some that had been swept under the rug by my family as to not tear my family apart. Childhood memories that, although I had never realized, had shaped my future and how I saw myself and those around me. Those times shaped and molded me into someone I wasn’t. My entire life I wanted to please those around me. So much so that I had lost my voice. I had in a sense lost me.
These realizations hurt.
And my heart broke into a million pieces.
I hurt so bad there were times that I almost couldn’t stand it. Losing my parents. Seeing my childhood home trashed. Losing my eldest child. Losing 5 of my babies. My past Divorce. Date Rape. Losing other family members. I’ve lost a lot.
But most of all I had lost me.
That realization thanks to “Dressing Your Truth,” was not only painful but really confusing.
Let the healing begin.
WARNING: Healing hurts.
Bad. And sadly it didn’t go away fast. But the pain eventually did begin to lessen. Day by day I was getting stronger. And day by day I was emerging.
My voice was coming back!
Here I am today, stronger than I’ve been in years! And I’m excited because for the first time in longer than I can remember, I am me. Not who anyone wanted or expected me to be. But me.
100% Authentic me!
And even cooler than that, God finally spoke.
AND BOY WAS HE LOUD!
I’m so psyched! It seems I have more work to do and I can not wait to share all of it with you all! There are some pretty awesome things I’ve got in the works.
Thank you to those of you who contacted me on FB and told me you were praying for me. God heard you!
I’m still healing, but I’m back and I’m getting stronger every day! And I’ll be in touch on here soon.
Till next time…